My own journey into Self Mastery is about self-control and the ability to exert a deliberate creation of my future.
I see how many women are demonstrating enormous resilience, patience, clarity of mind and hard work to help themselves grow through this time, and that many of us- somehow- find it in them, to help others where possible.
“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” – The Talmud
During the last year, I learned to get out of my own way. I stripped bare what I am not and I realized who and what I really am, reminding myself of my own potential along the way. This second article of Confession of a Girl is designed to assist you on your path to self mastery.
A beautiful tree, lover or child changes forms many times, but it’s essence is the same. My ability to see it requires resisting to try to control this, my surrendering and emotional maturity.
To balance (not absorb) my surroundings and thoughts, honors my real self. I see both the light and darkness in my own humanity. And carefully choose with what I fill my heart. Because what I consume has a way of nurturing me and bringing out my beauty or depleting and diminishing it.
I am the sky, not the weather, whether I remember it or not
I decide what is acceptable for me and not. I am the sky, not the weather, whether I remember it or not. Some will find my light and make it brighter, others will try to dim or ignore it as they pass, What I allow in and what I choose to see and not see depends on the quality of my being, actions, words and thoughts. I often ask myself this challenging yet, powerful question: am I the agent of my life?
Salvador Minuchin said: “certainty is the enemy of change.” When I am certain that I am right, don’t require inner work, or am never wrong, that’s when I stagnate. Growth only becomes possible when I embrace an ever-evolving identity.
As I learned to navigate my inner world, I gained confidence, let go of false core beliefs, and became myself. I learned to embrace my emotional states and its causes and to detach from spiraling thoughts. As I compassionately held myself -with flaws and all in high regard- my perception of myself, the world and others also changed.
The degree to which I now create relationships, where I flourish as a distinct separate individual, reflects the growth, spirituality, happiness, and love which I have achieved in myself. It embodies moments I sat with my emotions and empathically connected with them without confusing it with my being or at the expense of my innate worth.
Self-mastery narrowed the bridge between myself and “others”. As my internal world expanded, I got unstuck. My emotions became messengers and teachers to direct my decisions towards what and who truly matters most and to being who and how I want in this world. I wasn’t confined by preordained rules, dogmatic moves or others perceptions. I became the rightful owner of my life and goals. I self-determine how I connect, work, set boundaries, stand up for myself and others and how I inter-am. By choosing skillful careful responses instead of reacting, again and again, I choose freedom and to hold space.
The deeper I nourish, care and attend to my deepest needs and desires, the higher the quality of the love I radiate and accept. Seeing into my truest being, breaths intimacy. How I pay attention -what I experience- to me holds the key to moments of awe, love, trust, hope, forgiveness, joy, and deep care.
Belonging means I stopped fitting in a certain template to be seen as “worthy ”, and became real. More one, more me, less only me. I listen better, I see better, feel better, and own my vision and energy.
The most valuable elixir lies in how well I non-judgmentally observe, in congruence and in my sense of inner peace. It’s a higher consciousness, not familiarity. Not in old stories or patterns that don’t serve me. Self-liberation was found in practicing behavioral tweaks and in disciplined vocabulary.
I practice Marshall Rosenberg’s Non Violent communication which values the power of words. It explains that under each action lies a human need trying to be fulfilled. Using it helps create less conflict and pain in others and myself. Especially when I truly most desire deep (re)connection, being seen, valued, heard, and loved. I ironically feared the uncertainty this takes, but learned that choosing fear, not love, only created inner and outer pollution and disconnect.
The NVC method can help clearly state needs, hopes, desires, wishes, in a positive way which allows for compassionate connection instead of blaming/ criticizing/ projecting.
It goes like this:
– When I observe… (1) something specific
– I feel… (2) an emotion
– What I need/value is… (3)
– Would you be willing to… (4) a precise request.
Others’ behavior (although hard to remember sometimes) can say a lot about how they feel about themselves. Filtering what I consume also includes things like this.
Filtering means I have personal agency (I trust my ability and inner power to discern). I actively explore, edit and release parts of my identity as I grow and allow for social and professional input. Having healthy boundaries, helps me cultivate authentic love and interconnectedness. I learned what is (psychologically) mine and what belongs to others. What energy to protect myself from and what energy I send out. By training deep self-rootedness instead of absorbing others emotional states or feelings, I learned to openly share. It was my found self connectedness that made so many others feel like they know me intimately well.
With enmeshed boundaries, I allowed too much (negative) information and others limiting and hurtful perceptions in. I lacked the understanding of clear filters and took responsibility for what wasn’t mine. I became so entrapped that emotional diffusion and escalations were almost inevitable.
Rigidity, on the other hand, meant I dismissed all suggestions or listening to others. My closed mindset removed me from powerful inputs. I avoided vulnerability, sharing difficult emotions and expressing these and had to unlearn over-independence.
Today, I decide what is allowed in and not. I adjust my mindsets and behavior (when needed) without losing my sacred self-connectedness. I learned how to communicate my feelings, needs and core values, while cultivating compassion, healing, psychologically safety and how to (mindfully) love.
Having both autonomy and Interdependence, provided joined resilience to the elements of inevitable change, and to all it’s beauty. I recognize that beauty truly lies in the openness of the mind, heart and soul of the beholder, almost never on objects or persons being experienced.
As I matured in wisdom, awareness, and emotion regulation through my own courageous endeavors, challenges, career, mentors, and relationships, I learned that what I believed might not be the truth.
My own journey into Self mastery is about self-control and the ability to exert a deliberate creation of my future. I allow my undivided attention to flow on what really matters: delivering my potential against all diversions which trying to steer me away from my calling.